Dual....:-)
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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