Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
