You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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