fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
