I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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