I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
