The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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