theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
