the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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