god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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