He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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