It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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