My underwear smells like fireworks.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
