I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
