he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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