i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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