well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
