This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
