The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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