I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
