drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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