My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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