People in love make me want to vomit
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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