if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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