dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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