We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
