I hate all girls vehemently.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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