I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
