Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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