I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
