Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
