she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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