Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Couch. On fire.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
