3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize