I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
