how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
