the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
