I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
