now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
