She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
