I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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