Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
