Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
