And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
