Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
