im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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