you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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