she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I came so hard my ears popped.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
