my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
