i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
