you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
