I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Are my feet made of real feet?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
