I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
